Sunday, July 02, 2006

Ernst Zundel Files Human Rights Suit

Author: Nicholas Terry
This just came to our attention:


In a suit filed today in the European Court of Human Rights from his prison cell in Mannheim, Germany neo-Nazi Ernst Zundel echoes Andrew Marvell's observation that stone walls do not a prison make nor iron bars a cage.

Rest below the fold. ;-)

Zundel claims that the toilet facilities in the German prison in which he is currently incarcerated constitute torture under international law. He claims that, in fact, his new commode represent a violation of his basic human rights. The latest chapter in the epic of Zundel's continuing tilt with the windmill of history commenced when Zundel was moved to a new cell to facilitate his transport to the court room where his legal hearings are held.

According to Zundel his durance became vile as he contemplated his new surroundings. As Zundel told this reporter "I was admiring the fine German mold on the fine German stone walls" when his eyes fixed with horror on the commode provided in his new home. Rather than the "fine German porcelain" with which his previous cell had been furnished, Zundel was confronted by a crapper manufactured in France.

Zundel declares: "I knew immediately that this was another attack on the Zundelkeister by the Zionist monsters who occupy Germany." He explains that a proper Aryan bowel movement on a traditional Teutonic crapper is a key element of National Socialist superiority. Zundel expounds, "Der Grosse Kaker", as Zundel affectionately calls Adolf Hitler, "understood this. The whole word wondered at his virtuoso performances on his German commode.. If I am forced to use this monstrous French contraption I will pollute my Precious Bodily Fluids and become as decadent as my Talmudic foes." In addition to this lawsuit, Zundel is refusing to defecate until he is provided with a German toilet.

"I am not just doing this for myself," Zundel proclaims, "I am doing it for Germany and for the basic human rights of Germans everywhere. I am only following in the traditions of Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela in insisting on my people's right to have a Teutonic toilet."

When reached for comment, Ingrid Rimland, the wife of Ernst Zundel, was hunched over her computer organizing a protest in support of her husband's position and wearing a tee shirt emblazoned with the motto "POOP FREE OR DIE." Rimland is asking her "thousands" of supporters to mail rolls of toilet paper to German embassies. "They will learn that the whole world is watching them." she explained.

"It is amazing," Rimland states, "how certain people - you know who they are -- incessantly whine about some minor inconveniences, mostly imaginary, they claim to have experienced at Auschwitz but are responsible for inflicting these horrific tortures on their enemies."

Rimland claimed that there had been several attempts to sabotage the "Zundeljohn" which the authorities have refused to investigate.

After making this declaration, Rimland curled up in a fetal position amid a litter of empty Prozac bottles and limited her responses to repeating "Oh, the horror! Oh, the humanities!" over and over again. After some prodding with a sharp stick Rimland moaned "Oh, my poor Ernie! The Talmudists are forcing him to plant the Zundelbutt on a French commode." Rimland also insisted that one Mark Weber, her official "spokesfuhrer," would provide all other comment.

Speaking for Zundel, Mark Weber, proprietor of the Institute of Hysterical Retards, emphasized how important bowel movements are to National Socialists. "Zundel is absolutely right," he said, "Hitler taught us that proper colon cleansing is as vital to the health of the nation as it is to the health of the individual." He then offered to show this reporter his personal collection of stool samples from important figures in the Third Reich which, he claims, domonstrate the superiority of Aryan feces.

After a pause while Weber groomed his toothbrush mustache and straightened his swastika armband he told this reporter that "Hitler could not have conquered Poland without proper defecation and good German commodes were mandated for the SS. Look what happened during the Russian campaign when they improvised and relied on captured Soviet commodes."

Weber sighed and took a deep breath before he concluded his remarks with a ringing declaration. "International Jewry has always recognized the virtue of a National Socialist dump. National Socialists are the greatest shitters to world has ever known. We Revisionists carry on that tradition - and we won't let the Zionists take it away from us."

Zundel will be represented in this lawsuit by Attorney Sylvia Stolz. She will be assisted by Horst Mahler and the ghost of Roland Friesler who she channels through a Ouija board once owned by Heinrich Himmler. Stolz intends to argue her usual legal position, developed by Mahler. That the current German government does not exist, that the only real law that applies to Germans is the Volk law, and that any judge who states otherwise should be hung from a meathook with piano wire.

Stoltz claims that Zundel's defense team will present a variety of experts on the importance of pooping to National Socialist. They will, further, demonstrate to the European tribunal that forcing Zundel to defecate into a French receptacle is part of a plot by International Jewry to corrupt Zundel's identity as a German and a National Socialist. Stoltz states that these experts will include Arthur Butz, who will testify about the technical superiority of National Socialist crappers, Germar Rudolf, who will testify about the potential toxic shock of taking a dump on a French contraption, and Fredrick Toben, who is an expert on National Socialist turds.

Stoltz also states that since this case has been brought in a European jurisdiction rather than a German court, Stoltz will additionally argue that Salic law should apply since the Holy Roman Empire was never officially dissolved. Stoltz reserves the right to have any jurist who disagrees with her hung from a meathook with piano wire.

The Attorney General of the Holy Roman Empire could not be reached for comment.


TimV said...

Gloating over a fallen enemy has traditionally been considered poor form.....

Nick Terry said...

not gloating, just taking the piss. Besides, Zundel is not yet fallen.

rodohcodohwatchwatch said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nick Terry said...

Troll post removed.

crawl back under your rock, scum.

Roman Werpachowski said...

Nevertheless, Nick, German and Austrian trials of Holocaust deniers are not something we should be proud of. They somehow undermine the work you're doing on this blog: what's the point of debunking HD lies when you can just shove the deniers to jail?

Nick Terry said...

This blog has stated its opposition to the trials often enough.

That doesn't mean we can't pass on a satire of the hyperbolic stance taken by Zundel and his team. 'A Modern-Day Galileo' he is not.